11 Seconds
My current teaching
Good Morning God’s Beloved!
This is my first post since leaving the nonprofit world, beginning my internship to become a Pastor, and beginning to work as a Caregiver to help pay the bills. It has been a wonderful transition so far, and I am learning of the areas where I still need to grow both personally and professionally.
Which brings me to “Bob,” not his real name, but Bob is someone I serve on the memory care unit at the Assisted Living Facility I am working at. Bob is a wonderful man, he has lived at the facility for a couple of years, he served as a police officer for decades, and is always looking for ways to help out other residents and staff. His wife visits regularly, he always has a joke, and he has a smile that is infectious.
After dinner time, however, Bob can get into a memory loop, where he forgets that he lives at a memory care unit, thinks he is stranded, and is looking for a room to rent.
Bob - “Excuse me sir, I am hoping you can help me, I am looking for a room for the night.”
Me - “I have a room for you, it is right down the hallway, let me show you where it is.”
(Bob is puzzled that I have a room for him)
Bob - “I don’t have any money on me, I can’t find my wallet.”
Me - “No problem, you took care of the room in advance, it is already paid for.”
(Bob is confused that he already paid)
Bob - “Could you please show me the way?”
Me - “Of course, sir, right this way.”
This interaction takes about 11 seconds. I then walk Bob to the room he has stayed in for the past couple of years, which takes about 1 minute 15 seconds. I then go answer other pages, clean, or return to the station to chart.
About 3 minutes later, Bob is back, and we start the conversation over again.
This goes on for several hours…
Some nights, Bob wants to leave, and demands his car keys and his car. I have been warned that Bob can get aggressive and he has quite a temper on him. He will pound his fist on the counter, swear at you, make threats, a few times I thought he was going to come across the desk and punch me. Thankfully, these interactions also average about 11 seconds, and we are very good at redirecting his attention and diffusing the situation.
Bob will literally turn to look at a different room, look back, and start again with, “Excuse me sir, I am hoping you can help me, I am looking for a room for the night.”
My interactions with Bob and with many other people in the memory care unit have been blessed instruction on letting go. It can be quite difficult to reset to zero with someone who was just threatening your safety, but for Bob, that interaction no longer exists, he does not remember that he was just shouting about his car, that was 11 seconds ago, now he is just a confused older man that thinks he is stranded without money or a car, and needs a room for the night.
These continuous interactions have strengthened my ability to allow emotions to come and go, to flow through me without attaching any significance to them, and to not allow them to affect my presence - most of the time.
I cannot be angry at someone that honestly has no idea that he just shouted at me and cursed at me. That never happened for him, even though it happened. There is no possibility of talking about it, there is no way to get him to understand how his words made me feel, those 11 seconds don’t exist for him.
I could be guarded and angry at him, distant and cold in our interactions, knowing that at any moment that he could turn to this other, less happy Bob, or I could choose to be like Bob, let those 11 seconds never exist, and begin each interaction anew. I have chosen to follow Bob’s path.
It is interesting to pay close attention to how my body responds to these less than pleasant interactions, I can notice a change, a heavy wave of emotion wash over me quickly. It is my work to catch that wave as soon as I feel it coming on, to notice it, to name it for what it is, to not reject it but to accept it fully, allow it to crest and crash through me, without allowing it to direct me, to become me, to alter the peace that I have cultivated.
Shunryu Suzuki — 'leave your front door and your back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don't serve them tea.'
I am also giving myself grace when I am not very good at this, when it has been a long shift and that wave has some sort of hook or edge to it, where it catches onto me, where a negative thought of frustration comes, and I am not enjoying the interaction with Bob. I have space for that too, but I am able to quickly release that hook, smooth out that edge, and let the negativity pass through me.
These 11 second interactions have been so beneficial to me, I am given so many opportunities to let go and I am seeing noticeable results in how I process both ways that Bob can approach these times. These 11 second lessons carry over to other interactions, both at the Assisted Living Facility and in ministry, and I am finding that the peace I carefully cultivate and protect is becoming more of my everyday state all of the time, and not the once in a while experience that it used to be. I hope to continue to grow and develop this capacity.
Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
May the peace that Paul speaks of become your constant state, and know that God’s blessings are continually with you!